I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That accounts for only three of the penises
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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