I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
