he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
