just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
