We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
