I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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