wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
