i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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