I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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