First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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