If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
