I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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