i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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