Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
