And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize