with your own penis?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
