There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
