The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
