ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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