Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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