Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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