Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
