help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
