I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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