Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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