I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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