Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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