I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
