My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Is it penis luge time yet?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
