i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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