He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
