I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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