Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
