My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Everclear isn't food dammit
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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