I want to make a zoo with you.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm getting married
To pizza
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Randomize
