are you still at the devil's house?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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