hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
