In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
