Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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