So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
