We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
