He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
