He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
