never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
