It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
