Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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