just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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