i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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