I accidentally had phone sex last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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