I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
