News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
