You're my little dorito
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
