Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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