the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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