Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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