My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
